Far From Here

Being awake at 1 am. Odd feeling, it seems as i am the only one awake. Late at night is when i get my good thinking in. Today marks the 5 month anniversary of J.B.'s death. For those who don't know, she went to my high school and we babysat down the road from each other for a couple summers. Her boyfriend took her life, long before it was her time. During our weekly picnics me and jess would talk about everything under the sun. She had the kindest spirit. I feel her presence often. It is hard not to dwell in the sadness of her death, and the anger i have for tyler. The empowerment i feel towards aiming my goal of nursing to help those in an abusive relationship is all because of Jessica. In my life time if i could even help 1 person from fleeing a bad relationship, these years of hard work and dedication will have paid off. Nobody will ever be anything like Jessica, she was just the most unique outgoing person, and had a laugh that is embedded in my head. HAD. HAD. It makes me cringe to speak in the past tense about her life. She left behind an 18 month old daughter, which fills my heart with sadness. The tragedy in that is something I can't explain. Where does this sadness come from with in me?  I get so mad at myself sometimes for the way my mind thinks. But that is why i created a site where i can share my thoughts with others, and get these thoughts out there into the world. Ever since starting college i've been struggling with my faith. Being a nursing major and being a catholic just seem to be two things that cannot go together. I know there is more to life than our time here on earth..right? I mean there has to be. Or is what we make ourselves believe so we don't feel so alone?. Hours spent praying, "talking silently in my head" aimed at a God who i am not 100% exists. I do believe in a place far from here. A place where sadness is not a word, and the soul is always content. I do believe the random thoughts i send upward are being heard. I believe because what is the other option?.... My mind is far from where it should be. It should be focused on the chemical composition of medications for parkinson's disease. School seems very trivial in the big scheme of it all. I want to move far from here, far from school, far from this cold state. Far from that park me and Jess spent summers at together. Sometimes i need to be far from the memories so it doesn't seem so real. I am one small person, with many thoughts of far away places. I think of the song "Dust in the Wind." Just a speck of nothing drifiting through this universe, yet i am at the pure brink of consciousness....far from where i ulitmately want to be.