I need to say i need you.

*Hit play, then read.

Today has made me realize how much we need God. He is eternal life. Eternal happiness and peace. He makes our paths straight. He will guide me home.

But God doesn't need us. He wants our love yes, but he doesn't need it. This post is about a very uncomfortable experience with death i had today.

I was confirmed almost 5 years ago, and one of the 7 gifts we recieve through this sacrament is fear of the lord. Today i felt that gift. I am fearful that if i stray from him, my life won't seem to have a purpose. 1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Today was very difficult for me...

A resident died next to me at the lunch table. I know no one wants to talk about death because it is scary. It is. I leaned over, noticed her chest wasn't rising, grabbed her wrist instantly. Felt no pulse. I called for the nurse, after listening to her heart with a stethoscope, she just simply said, "She is gone."

It is such a humbling experience. A 21 year old girl, closing the eyes of a 96 year old women for the last time. I felt sad, honored, and glad she is in a better place.

Who am i to question God? And think to myself why doesn't he take us sooner, before the suffering begins?

I had to excuse myself multiple times during the day, so that i didn't cry in front of the other residents. That is what is most difficult for me. Just going on with my day. I do have a mourning period. Obviously it is longer for my loved ones. But even so with my residents. They are like family. I spend all day, almost everyday with them.

I have different feelings. I go up and down. I get sad. Then i get nervous. And now i'm thinking.
'That women had a beautiful long life. Why am i sad?" I grieve for the her family. I am sad knowing others are sad. I must work on having empathy, not sympathy.

Today was difficult yes. But death is a part of life. And her death is now a part of my life. Her body is gone but her spirit is in the hands of the lord.

It is interesting to me how much of an impact people can make on anothers life....without even knowing it.

What impact have i made on people? Was it good? Was i having a bad day and impacted someones life negatively? This week i am going to focus on random acts of kindness.

Paying for someone behind you in the drive through etc.

And i need to say and acknowledge, that i need God, in my life. Actively in my life, through prayer, my actions and sacrifices, and leading by example. 

Happy July 4th. I hope everyone is spending the day with the ones that mean most to them.

God gives, and God takes.

Soapbox

This is my first soapbox episode- i apologize that it is 5 minutes long. I will work on making them like 3 min. from now on. :)

Laundry and No make up

My morning consisted of waking up a little under the weather from last nights festivities.

My laundry has been piling up- and i found the motivation this morning to put in a load.

It was nice having a clean fresh face. Especially if i go to the beach later. I have been appreciating other girls who wear minimal make up. I believe make up shouldn't cover up flaws such as freckles and moles- rather accentuate them.

My most favorite product is mascara. Since i do have somewhat large eyes i like to play up that feature.

I even did the dishes in the sink! And they weren't even mine :) I really must be growing up. I would rather i just do them instead of have them sit in the sink all weekend and won't be done by there rightful owners till Tuesday. I would be the one to suffer by having to look at them everytime i walked by.

So that is what my morning consisted of :) Now off to the beach. And then getting a DQ crunch cone :)

Stay cool in the heat loves.

A Perk of Summer

Freckles :)

and tan lines..

I forget how much i missed being tan. Went to the beach with Nick today, and he treated me to the sandwich company for lunch afterwards.

Even though it may be 90 out and i don't feel all that girly or pretty because i am sweating, i still love the heat.

Maybe i enjoy it because i have an air conditioned apartment- i will never take it for granted. It may be one of the best inventions.

Today i have been listening to Regina Spektor non stop.

Listening to her music motivates me to keep learning to play the piano. She is phenomenal.


These past 2 weeks i've worked 74 hours- considered full time. Im proud of myself but at the same time, this is my last summer in this city and i haven't had much time to do what i'd like, or find time to spend with my friends. Guess it's all part of growing up...

Trinity

Trinity. 3. Happy Heart.Happy Body.Happy Mind.

You can't just exercise, and eat like crap. You can't just go to class and expect to retain the knowledge.{you actually have to study :)} You can't just pray and expect to have spiritual growth. It is about action and attitude.

I lately have been feeling the strain of just life in general. I always think back to the movie "Into the Wild". How i dream of one day being secluded, living simply, enjoying the most small details. Yet, i need to be here. Be present, to hopefully make this world a little better place, to achieve self- fulfillment, to have a sense that my life has meaning.

It is an ongoing battle in my mind.

That is why i am trying to not focus so much on "body image". I believe we are all spiritual beings. I did not say religious. I said spiritual.

I am thankful that i have this presence here on earth. That i have a body to feel things, hear things, see, and taste. To experience this world.

So why does it feel like i am obsessed with the way my body is. It is merely a structure, a rented temple, until i die- and will return to my spiritual home.

It is important to keep ourselves in working order. Eat healthy, exercise, and keep a positive attitude. When our houses are messy or cluttered, often times we feel distraught, anxious and out of order. Well it is the same with our body. We need to keep our "home", our body, in standing order. So we can experience the most out of this world. In order to achieve our full potential we must first have a happy heart. Which i do, thanks to my family. Now i am focusing on the happy body.

Nick told me today, "Its all about your attitude." - The most true statement i've ever heard in my life.

The Trinity. father, son, and the holy spirit.

Don't be focused on materials. Enjoy life.

Trendy Tuesday

Hellooooooo :)

This weekend i have been pretty down on my self image. One thing i have been trying to do is find something i really like about myself in each outfit that i wear. I do have a little upper waist/ lower bust. And i think it is very flattering on me to make that part of my body stand out..

So what better way then a high waisted skirt and a crop top?

Another reason why this particular style is great is that with a high waisted skirt it also gives you some length to play with. I wear mine about mid thigh.. {usually longer than the pictures show- but it tended to raise up a bit while posing} I think this gives off a sexy yet sophisticated appeal to the outfit. Unlike having a mini skirt and a belly shirt on- this is a more upscale/appropriate version of that.

I also don't think that this is a "showy" outfit. And by that term i mean- hey look at me, look how hot of a body i have. For me this outfit shows,- hey, ya i am a woman and i actually do like something about my body, i am not going to be afraid to show that off, but i'm not gonna run around with barely any clothes on.

Ladies don't be afraid to show a little skin. If you think to yourself before you leave the house...is this TOO much skin? or if you feel uncomfortable in what you are wearing- chances are you probably shouldn't be wearing it.

Pairing 2 simple items of clothes like this with a long necklace really completes the look. And of course i added my gold hoops as well ;)



Be confident in your skin, be confident in your outfit.

Tomorrow is already Wednesday! Yeee. Only 10 days till my engagement party!- The question i most ask myself and am already thinking about for the party-...what shall i wear?

Playtime

This weekend i met and got to know a lot of Nick's family. If it wasn't for yard games and a little competition i surely would not of had as much fun as i did. Who says games are just for kids? I even learned to play bocce ball {lets just say i was obviously a newbie}

Even the young kids had a blast playing outside. It was a bit of an overcast, but by the end of the evening the sun was out and it was a wonderful day.

-Rosemary & her great-granddaughter.

-Boppin' nick on the head.

The way Nick interacted with the little girls just made me smile the whole day. Even though children are a ways off for the two of us, i already know how wonderful of a dad he is gonna be.

-High fives for Nick :)

It is odd to think that i am 21. Everyone says that is SO young- but at this point my mom already had her first child. And me and nick like to talk about the future and how we will raise our kids and what traditions they will have.

It just seems that everyone looks at us like we are just so young still. Which yes we are- and yes times are different. However, by the time we are married i will be 23. I just can't wait to grow with Nick, in our love, and in our relationship with God. And see where our path takes us. We have no timeline or checklist we are going by. And Nick may not realize it, but he is not much of a planner- he likes to just be in the moment and go with what comes at him. And that is just showing how much trust and faith he has in the plans that God has for him, and our life.

Not only does Nick make me insanely happy, but he makes me a better person, friend, and christian without even trying. He leads by example.

I truly am the most blessed woman.

Family is everything- and it is exciting to think that i will be taking Nick's last name and having a whole other family as well!

Tomorrow is Monday..Back to work. :) Excited to see my residents, 4 days away and i start to miss them as well. They are also like a family to me. Gahhh i'm elated.

Accomplishments

Just a quick blurb about accomplishing something. It is my fiances' brothers graduation party today. And it has made me look at my own personal accomplishments. Graduating high school, getting into college- seems to be just the normal things these days right? But it is so important that we recognize these accomplishments as big deals. Because they are. Even the smallest accomplishments can make you feel so happy. For example; getting your room cleaned, doing well on a test, finding a great find at a garage sale. Accomplishments makes you closer to self fulfillment.

So, I just hope as this graduation season is upon us- we all look back on our personal achievements- no matter how small and give yourself credit for the effort you have put forth. For me my most proud accomplishment is being engaged to Nick. I have always been very independent, but with him i have allowed our relationship to be a partnership. I am glad that i have allowed myself to be fully myself with him. I tend to hold back feelings or thoughts, but from the beginning of our relationship we have always been upfront and honest. And continued to do so over this past year and a half.

What are some of your accomplishments or achievements you are most proud of?

Friends and Food

This past weekend was our friends 21st birthday. We all went out to eat. Well i went, but i didn't eat. Living pay check to pay check is not something i enjoy. I'm not complaining- but it does make you take a hard look at your priorities. Meh July rent is coming up.

I have been working some strange hours, and couldn't find the time to post.

It is weird that food is more than a source of energy for us- in other words we obviously use it for other reasons other than to survive.

We use it as comfort, during celebrations, just if we are bored, and ESPECIALLY if we haven't seen someone in awhile and don't want it to be awkward- its like oh yeahh um lets go out to eat!. Ha.

We went out to wings- and me and Megan sang karoke :) it was pretty awkward. but it made us both laugh. And by the end of the song we were roaming the bar and dancing.

It is hard for me to have a truly great night unless Nick is there- i want to share every memory with him and if our group of friends goes out it is not the same when he isn't there.

Did he make me mad when he wouldn't get up and dance with me when some old dude was singing? Um ya a little. But we both have our comfort zones and we have been encouraging each other to step outside them.

It is has been difficult not to do so much planning for the wedding. I am constantly telling myself it is good that we are waiting an extra year. But i am longing deep down to marry him tomorrow.

-"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting" - Andy Warhol.

I am learning patience.
And this blog is teaching me dedication.
2 things a marriage needs.
In the long run this is a good thing.

Tomorrow is friday! :) yeeeee

Happy Fathers' Day

Happy Fathers Day!

Let me just say that if you know me, you know my dad is my best friend. I call him when anything good happens, anything bad happens, if i'm bored, if i just miss him, i call him if i get in an argument with my friends, or if i had a bad day a work. He is my all in all.

He always says i don't give myself enough credit, but it is him that doesn't take enough credit. Truly he has made me who i am, he has shaped my values and beliefs, and he is thee perfect dad.

Does anyone ever feel that they wish they could give more back to their parents? I sometimes get so down on myself. I feel like i don't visit home enough, and i am sad to say that i didn't even manage to get a card out this year.

I know my dad understands my financial situation, but i still wish i could get him a simple something in thanks for everything he has done for me.

I do have something to give him when i go home next weekend, but i wish i could see him today and have him know how much i love and appreciate him. My dad is so selfless and in my moms words "he can be lazy"- WELL- today i decided to play more on the laziness genes i inherited from him, and decided not to waste 43 cents on a stamp. 1 week late isn't too bad? A phone call shall suffice for now.

Have a wonderful fathers day! And be sure to let your dad know how much you appreciate all he's done for you.