Today has made me realize how much we need God. He is eternal life. Eternal happiness and peace. He makes our paths straight. He will guide me home.
But God doesn't need us. He wants our love yes, but he doesn't need it. This post is about a very uncomfortable experience with death i had today.
I was confirmed almost 5 years ago, and one of the 7 gifts we recieve through this sacrament is fear of the lord. Today i felt that gift. I am fearful that if i stray from him, my life won't seem to have a purpose. 1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Today was very difficult for me...
A resident died next to me at the lunch table. I know no one wants to talk about death because it is scary. It is. I leaned over, noticed her chest wasn't rising, grabbed her wrist instantly. Felt no pulse. I called for the nurse, after listening to her heart with a stethoscope, she just simply said, "She is gone."
It is such a humbling experience. A 21 year old girl, closing the eyes of a 96 year old women for the last time. I felt sad, honored, and glad she is in a better place.
Who am i to question God? And think to myself why doesn't he take us sooner, before the suffering begins?
I had to excuse myself multiple times during the day, so that i didn't cry in front of the other residents. That is what is most difficult for me. Just going on with my day. I do have a mourning period. Obviously it is longer for my loved ones. But even so with my residents. They are like family. I spend all day, almost everyday with them.
I have different feelings. I go up and down. I get sad. Then i get nervous. And now i'm thinking.
'That women had a beautiful long life. Why am i sad?" I grieve for the her family. I am sad knowing others are sad. I must work on having empathy, not sympathy.
Today was difficult yes. But death is a part of life. And her death is now a part of my life. Her body is gone but her spirit is in the hands of the lord.
It is interesting to me how much of an impact people can make on anothers life....without even knowing it.
What impact have i made on people? Was it good? Was i having a bad day and impacted someones life negatively? This week i am going to focus on random acts of kindness.
Paying for someone behind you in the drive through etc.
And i need to say and acknowledge, that i need God, in my life. Actively in my life, through prayer, my actions and sacrifices, and leading by example.
Happy July 4th. I hope everyone is spending the day with the ones that mean most to them.
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